Sometimes we find it hard to gain all the weight we would like. Our love handles are not quite big enough. We have two or three chins but would like more. We love the way our arms jiggle and we can’t get enough of it.
It can be frustrating. You would probably like to be fatter and can’t seem to manage it. But by following these secrets you can start packing on the pounds. It’s not as hard as you might think.
1. Skip breakfast. This is a good one. Just don’t eat when you get up. This will let you get off to a sluggish day. With any luck you can just drag yourself around the whole day at half speed. This is good for 10 pounds at least.
2. Never drink any water. That way your body won’t work efficiently, and it will help so you don’t get good blood flow to your muscles. And you won’t get rid of any toxic wastes that might build up, so your metabolism will stay slow. And make sure that you have some sugar in anything you drink. Sodas are good, especially if they have caffeine, because the caffeine can help keep you a little dehydrated. Done right, this is worth 10 pounds or more.
3. Avoid the protein. This is a key point. Make sure you eat meals without protein. Doughnuts are good. Bagels and cream cheese are even better. That way you can turn your food directly into fat. Otherwise some of what you eat might become lean muscle, and lean muscle burns up too many calories. Another 10 pounds.
4. Skip meals. Then you can eat huge meals all at once. That way, even if you don’t eat too much for the whole day, you can take it in all at once and you can turn most of it into fat. After all, if you spread it out through the day you will just burn it up and you won’t be able to pack on any fat. Five pounds at least.
5. Never under any circumstance get any exercise. Make sure you don’t find any exercise you enjoy, and if you do make the mistake and exercise make sure you go overboard, totally exhaust yourself, and then collapse in a heap. That way you won’t keep on exercising. An easy 8-12 pounds.
6. Watch plenty of television. If you can take up enough of your time watching soap operas, situation comedies or sports on television, you will be able to reach your weight gain goals. You won’t have to worry that you might burn up some calories, you won’t have time for anything else, and with luck the inactivity will make you feel depressed, and that can really boost your binge eating. Good for a solid 10 pounds.
7. Make sure you don’t know what you are eating. Eat only prepackaged foods and drive through foods, and don’t read the labels. And pick only salty foods with hidden sugar and sugary snacks with hidden salt. That way you can have foods that are high in calories, low in nutritional value, and that never fill you up. This tip alone may get you to your weight gain goals. It’s good for at least 20 pounds.
